Rather than relying on government, you can make at least as vigorous an inquiry of your child’s school as you would of your child’s babysitter. Below is a list of questions that can guide your evaluation of a school. The school should have a ready answer to every one of these questions. If they don’t, the mere fact of your asking (which can be done in writing) will compel them to consider the issues. There may be resources the school feels would improve the safety of children, possibly even resources they have long wanted, and your own participation in the process can help them implement those improvements.

• Do you have a policy manual or teacher’s handbook? May I have a copy or review it here?
• Is the safety of students the first item addressed in the policy or handbook? If not, why not?
• Is the safety of students addressed at all?
• Are there policies addressing violence, weapons, drug use, sexual abuse, child-on-child sexual abuse, unauthorized visitors?
• Are background investigations performed on all staff?
• What areas are reviewed during these background inquiries?
• Who gathers the information?
• Who in the administration reviews the information and determines the suitability for employment?
• What are the criteria for disqualifying an applicant?
• Does the screening process apply to all employees (teachers, janitors, lunchroom staff, security personnel, part-time employees, bus drivers, etc.)?
• Is there a nurse on site at all times while children are present (including before and after school)?
• What is the nurse’s education or training?
• Can my child call me at any time?
• May I visit my child at any time?
• What is your policy for when to contact parents?
• What are the parent notification procedures?
• What are the student pick-up procedures?
• How is it determined that someone other than me can pick up my child?
• How does the school address special situations (custody disputes, child kidnapping concerns, etc.)?
• Are older children separated from younger children during recess, lunch, rest-room breaks, etc.?
• Are acts of violence or criminality at the school documented? Are statistics maintained?
• May I review the statistics?
• What violence or criminality has occurred at the school during the last three years?
• Is there a regular briefing of teachers and administrators to discuss safety and security issues?
• Are teachers formally notified when a child with a history of serious misconduct is introduced to their class?
• What is the student-to-teacher ratio in class? During recess? During meals?
• How are students supervised during visits to the rest-room?
• Will I be informed of teacher misconduct that might have an impact on the safety or well-being of my child?
• Are there security personnel on the premises?
• Are security personnel provided with written policies and guidelines?
• Is student safety the first issue addressed in the security policy and guidelines material? If not, why not?
• Is there a special background investigation conducted on security personnel, and what does it encompass?
• Is there any control over who can enter the grounds?
• If there is an emergency in a classroom, how does the teacher summon help?
• If there is an emergency on the playground, how does the teacher summon help?
• What are the policies and procedures covering emergencies (fire, civil unrest, earthquake, violent intruder, etc.)?
• How often are emergency drills performed?
• What procedures are followed when a child is injured?
• What hospital would my child be transported to in the event of a serious injury?
• Can I designate a different hospital? A specific family doctor?
• What police station responds to the school?
• Who is the school’s liaison at the police department?

Question:
I’m so afraid for my four-year-old daughter to attend preschool. I feel she’s still so small, she’s my only child, and I fear someone may mistreat her. There’s no one there she knows and she’s all alone. I met her teacher and she doesn’t seem friendly. My daughter is still a baby and has never been cared for by anyone other than family. How can I overcome this fear for her?
Answer:
Assuming you have put your best resources into selecting a good preschool, remember children are safer at school than almost anywhere else. But it sounds to me like you are hesitant about the preschool. You write that the teacher ‘‘doesn’t seem friendly.’’ Did you discuss that with the teacher or the principal? The main issue you ask about is something you call fear, but what you describe is not fear.

True fears and unwarranted fears may at times feel the same, but you can tell them apart. True fear is a gift that signals us in the presence of danger; thus, it will be based upon something you perceive in your environment or your circumstance. Unwarranted fear or worry will always be based upon something in your imagination or your memory.

Worry is the fear we manufacture; it is a choice. Conversely, true fear is involuntary; it will come and get our attention if necessary. But if a parent or a child feels fear constantly, there is no signal left for when it’s really needed. Thus, the parent who chooses to worry all the time or who invests unwarranted fears into children is actually making them less safe. Worry is not a precaution; it is the opposite because it delays and discourages constructive action.

I suggest working to increase your level of comfort about the school, but at the same time, working to reduce unwarranted worry in your life (and thus, in your daughter’s life). You may want to check out this link about reducing worry.

Question: I am in the process of hiring a nanny. Do you have a list of good interview questions I could ask?

Answer: In our culture of short encounters and little accountability, it is important to learn a lot about someone you bring into your life, particularly someone who’ll be alone with your children. The more you know about someone, the more you reduce that person’s anonymity. If you have talked to five of the candidate’s references, that’s five more inhibitors against bad conduct, five people whom you and the babysitter know in common, five people who could hear about a misdeed. When you have many inroads into a person’s life, you raise the consequences for bad behavior.

Pre-employment questions are low-tech, easy tests you can perform when screening someone to take care of your kids. They are designed not just to elicit information, but to put important subjects on the agenda.

Among the questions you might ask (after having someone fill out an application):

What is your philosophy about discipline? Exploring this topic will reveal their opinions, and also serve as an ideal segue for you to set forth your house rules on discipline. If you don’t want the babysitter spanking your child, this is the time to say so.

Have you ever suspected that a child in your care was being sexually molested by someone? This question is designed as a bridge into the topic of sexual abuse, but also as a way to test denial, and you do not want a denier as a babysitter or nanny. People caring for children have a duty to acknowledge and recognize reality, even hard reality, and denial is an evasion of that duty. When evaluating a babysitter, put sexual crimes against children squarely on the agenda. If the person you are talking with is a denier, you’ll know it quickly (“Things like that don’t happen around here”; “I’ve never even considered such a thing”; “I’ve only worked with good families”, etc.).

Do you have children of your own? Do you have younger siblings? It may be a plus when they answer yes to either question. In any event, the topic allows easy transition to several other areas: Did you take care of siblings when you were growing up? How old were you when you first stayed with them alone? How young do you think is too young?

Why do you do this work? The answer might be ‘‘For the money,’’ ‘‘It allows me time to study/read,’’ ‘‘I love children,’’ ‘‘It’s easy,’’ or ‘‘I dunno,’’ but whatever it is, the answer will inform your intuition.

Have you ever been in an emergency situation while babysitting? Have you ever been in any emergency situation? These questions can reveal the applicant’s thought processes about emergencies.

What is your opinion of drugs and alcohol? Many parents look intently at applicants, hoping somehow to determine if they are drug or alcohol abusers. There’s a greater likelihood of learning something valuable about the topic by discussing it explicitly.

Describe a problem you had in your life where someone else’s help was very important to you. Is the applicant able to recall such a situation? If so, does he or she give credit or express appreciation about the help? A candidate who is not willing to accept help might not be the best caretaker for your child.

Who is your best friend and how would you describe your friendship? While many people will name several friends, there are, believe it or not, some who cannot think of a single person. Another benefit to the question comes if an applicant gives a name that was not listed as a reference (which happens often). Ask why the person wasn’t listed; ask if you can now have the contact number.

Describe the best child you ever babysat for. Describe the worst child you ever babysat for. This is a powerful inquiry that can reveal important attitudes about children and behavior. If the applicant speaks for just a moment about the best child, but can wax on enthusiastically about the worst, this is telling. Does he or she use unkind expressions to explain the trouble with a given child (“brat”, “little monster”)? Does the applicant take any responsibility for his or her part? A follow-up is: Could you have taken another approach?

Other questions might include:

• Can you give me some examples of problems you have had with kids and how you handled them?
• What if my son fails to obey you when you ask him to do something? What if he is doing something dangerous?
• How do you handle fighting between brothers and sisters?
• How do you handle tantrums?
• How would you react if a child bit or hit you?
• What do you do when you become angry with a child?
• What if my daughter asked you to keep a secret? What would your response be?
• What if she revealed something to you that you knew I wouldn’t approve of?
• Can you swim? Would you be willing to go in the pool with our child?
• At what point would you call a pediatrician or 911?
• Do you prefer to work with boys or girls and why?
• What would you do if you saw a child fondling himself or herself?
• How would you handle a situation of this nature?

During your interview, few things are as powerful as silence. When someone finishes an answer you consider incomplete, don’t just accept it and go on. Instead, wait silently; he or she will start talking again and give you more information to evaluate.

Some parents ask about medical conditions that could be relevant, and some even ask babysitters to pass medical examinations or drug-screen tests. Some require special skills, such as CPR. (Remember that CPR for infants requires training beyond regular CPR.) Safe Sitter is an excellent national program that teaches an intensive two-day course in the prevention and management of accidents. Founded by Dr. Patricia Keener, Safe Sitter (1 – 800-255‑4089) teaches babysitters (as young as eleven-years-old) about medical emergencies in addition to the basics of childcare. Student must pass a rigorous written and practical exam.

Question: Last week I was in the mall with my two children. Suddenly, I looked up from the rack and couldn’t find my five-year-old. I heard a scream in the hallway of the mall and realized it was my daughter running down the hall! I held on to my baby and ran after her. Luckily a grandmother had stopped her and was talking to her. My daughter had been totally frightened when she couldn’t find me in the store and her instinct was to scream and run. I’d like to teach her a better way of responding when she is lost. What should I do?

Answer: I don’t believe in teaching inflexible rules because it’s not possible to know if they’ll work in all situations. There is one rule, however, that enhances safety in most situations:

Teach your child to go to a woman if she is lost.

Why? First, if your child selects a woman, it’s highly unlikely that the woman will be a sexual predator. Next, a woman approached by a lost child asking for help is likely to stop whatever she is doing, get down to the kid’s eye level, commit to that child, and not rest until the child is safe. A man approached by the same child might say, ‘‘Head over there to the manager’s desk,’’ whereas a woman is most likely to get involved and stay involved.

Is what I’ve said politically incorrect? Maybe so, but the luxury of not running for office is that I don’t care if it’s politically incorrect. The fact is that men in all cultures and at all ages and at all times in history are more violent than women — and facts are not political.

‘‘If you are ever lost, go to a woman’’ works because it’s practical (there will almost always be a woman around) and simple (easy to teach, easy to learn, easy to do). Finally, teaching children to choose someone rather than wait for someone to choose them will be a useful lesson their whole lives. It’s the same advice I give to adult women.

Question: My next-door neighbors have several guns in their home. A few weeks ago, I told them I didn’t want my 14-year-old son sleeping over there anymore. The father said his two teenage boys know all about gun safety, but I still said “No.” Later, he offered to put locks on his guns when my son sleeps over, but that doesn’t feel good enough to me. Am I wrong?

Answer: Do you mean are you wrong to listen to your intuition about your son’s safety? Absolutely not. Gun locks are an after-market product, not part of the gun itself. It would be like having to put a padlock on your car every time you parked it, as opposed to merely using the built-in door and ignition locks.

You are absolutely right to recognize all these risks. They are real, and they pose more of a threat to our teenage boys than anything else in their lives.

Firearms are unique among consumer goods in America in that they are not governed by any federal safety regulations. There are four categories of regulations covering the manufacture of teddy bears, but none about guns. While most every business is concerned with delivering its product or service safely, gun manufacturers are studying ways to make their products more lethal. They work to make them more portable, more rapid, and more effective at damaging human tissue.

For some people, restricting gun use in any way – even for toddlers – Is the psychological equivalent of government-imposed castration. I want to point out that I am not challenging our so-called right to bear arms (in whose name, by the way, more Americans have died at home than have died at war). And I am not advocating government gun control.

It is clear, however, that children would benefit if we held gun manufacturers to the same product-liability standards we require for every other consumer product.

Guns could have components that inhibit firing by children, or technologies that allow operation only in the hands of the owner (with a coded ring or wristband, for example, or a built-in combination lock). It’s easier to shoot most handguns than it is to open a bottle of children’s vitamins.

Speaking of tamper-proof containers, the design of billions of bottles of consumer products was changed after the deaths of eight people from poisoned Tylenol, a tragedy completely beyond the control of the manufacturer. Ironically, gun-makers knowingly and enthusiastically build products that kill five hundred Americans each week for which we don’t require a single safety feature.

Some gun owners explain that they needn’t lock their weapons because they don’t have children. To them I’d say that other people do have children, of course, and they will visit your home one day. The plumber who answers your weekend emergency will bring along his bored nine-year-old son, and he will find your gun.

Question: Given the recent climate of school violence, do you think mandatory school uniforms will reduce this violence?

Answer: I believe that school uniforms can reduce violence, and that they help in other ways as well. Dress codes and uniforms can make school more about the learning and less about the symbolic individual expression of fashion. Students are left to communicate through language as opposed to clothing, style, designer names, bandanas, or gang colors. Dress codes help make everyone a student, as opposed to some kids being rich, some being tough, or anti-this, or pro-that. It is unifying-as the word uniform implies. Other places young people visit will still allow personal expression through fashion, but just as some professions wear business attire, and police, nurses, and firefighters wear uniforms, the school uniform is emblematic of what one does. At school, kids are there to be students.

Question: After years of telling my five-year-old daughter ‘‘never talk to strangers,” how do I begin to say ‘‘now it’s ok to talk to strangers”?

Answer: Well, it can’t be too many years, given her age, but let’s imagine that she’s had a fairly clear concept of strangers for a year or two. Just like you, her perception of what “stranger” means changes as she grows up and learns more. Many young children describe a stranger as “a man with black clothes, dark hair, a beard, a gun,” etc.

The goal is to move to change your daughter’s focus off strangers and on to behavior. For every stranger who would harm your daughter, there are millions who will not, so strangers are not the issue. I suggest that you pursue opportunities for your daughter to communicate with strangers in appropriate environments. Children thus learn what feels comfortable and what does not. Such learning can be aided by a parent who watches a child communicate in a restaurant or store and then discusses the encounter afterward. “What did you think when that guy stood so close? I thought he seemed strange; I wasn’t comfortable with him.” Or, “I felt safe with that man at the next table who talked to us; did you”

One mother I know regularly encourages her seven-year-old son to approach strangers, giving him small challenges such as, “Can you find out what time it is?” or “Can you get directions to the nearest frozen yogurt place?” Then she stands back a bit and observes as he selects a person to ask. Afterward, they discuss why he chose who he chose, how the exchange went, if he felt comfortable with the person he spoke with, if that person was comfortable with his approach, and so on. Her son has safely rehearsed all kinds of encounters with people.

Could it be that this boy who actually approaches strangers in public is less likely to be a victim than someone taught never to talk to them? Absolutely yes. Let me know how things go with your daughter.

Question: A few weeks ago, my son (14) was cutting the grass in the backyard. He was shot at by a teenage boy from the next house. The police were called and they were also fired at by the boy. The boy in question (17) was arrested and released. My boys (14 and 15) have just started school. They have to ride the same school bus as the shooter. Being that the shooter is a minor, what can I do to safeguard my kids? Can I legally go to the school administration with the boy’s name and description of his activities?

Answer: You present your question as a legal matter, but it’s not a legal matter. It’s an issue of safety. You would be negligent NOT to tell the school about what happened. Assuming your son is certain of the identity of the shooter, tell the school as soon as possible. Another alternative is to ask police to notify the school.

Question: There’s a large seventh-grade boy on our block who has, on several occasions, touched two of our young (under six-years-old) girls in ways that horrify us mothers. He picked up a three-year-old and was rubbing under her dress until a mom saw and grabbed her, and another time he was rubbing himself on a five-year-old. We are afraid and angry but not sure how to handle this other than hiding our children indoors. Please advise us.

Signed, Four Moms

Answer: What you describe is damaging criminal behavior, and I suggest the police be informed as soon as you’re done scrolling through this answer. That is the most likely way that this boy will get the intervention he needs, and your children will get the protection they need. You are in an urgent situation that needs to be changed, even though some of the changes won’t be easy. You know the phone number: 911.

Question: I have two teenage sons. They’re great kids, honor roll students, active in sports, school activities, church, etc. They have friends, attend dances, and are interested in school activities. Like many other teenage boys, they like violent video games and movies. But the Columbine shooters sounded just like this. What other kinds of things should I be looking for?

Answer:

First of all, the boys who killed fellow students at Columbine did not sound just like this. Sharing a few behavioral features and interests with boys who killed others does not constitute danger. To give you an alternative to the nonsense warning signs offered on the local news, here are some REAL pre-incident indicators associated with boys who act out violently:

• Alcohol and drug use
• Addiction to media products
• Aimlessness
• Fascination with weapons and violence
• Experience with guns
• Access to guns
• Sullen, Angry, Depressed (SAD)
• Seeking status and worth through violence
• Threats (of violence or suicide)
• Chronic anger
• Rejection/humiliation

Most of these are self-explanatory but I want to add a couple of brief elaborations: Note that alcohol and drug abuse are at the top of the list; one recent study shows that an astonishing 75 percent of homicides by young people occur when they are high or drunk. Next, the term SAD is used by my firm’s behavioral scientists for easy identification of Sullenness, Anger, and Depression, which include changes in weight, irritability, suicidal references, hopelessness, and loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities.

I don’t imagine that the items on the list above apply to your sons. Also, there are seven key abilities human beings need to effectively manage life: the ability to motivate ourselves, to persist against frustration, to delay gratification, to regulate moods, to hope, to empathize, and to control impulse. Many of those who commit extreme acts of violence never learned these skills, but I expect your sons have.

If you are still worried, let me know.

Question: My son is in sixth grade and there’s a boy in his class who has major problems! He’s not the only problem though.  My other problem is the principal, who won’t hold any of the kids accountable for their behavior.

The boy has been physically and verbally abusive to several kids. Two years ago, he beat another boy’s head against a wall resulting in a concussion. This past year he stalked yet another boy for months, calling him names and threatening him. He eventually threatened to get a gun and kill the boy he’d been stalking.

The victim told a policeman that works part-time for the school, and boy got only a three day in-school suspension. When this boy’s mother was called, she wasn’t surprised; she reported that he threatens her all the time. This boy is supposed to take medication daily, but he throws it away. This boy also makes racist remarks. The other parents that I’ve talked to are afraid the principal won’t do anything and they don’t want to get involved.

I’m scared to send my son back to school because this kid already picks on my son, and has made reference to getting a gun. Please help.

Answer: Your email to me has most of the text you’ll need for the letter I propose you send to the Principal and the Superintendent of your school:

“To Whom it May Concern: I want to formally bring to your attention several matters which have an impact on my son’s safety and well-being, as well as the safety and well-being of other students and staff at the school. [INSERT YOUR TEXT]. My family and community recognize that schools face special challenges these days and we want to be certain our expectations are reasonable. If we’re off base on any of these items, please let us know:

• We expect the safety of students to be a priority.
• We expect our child to be allowed to contact us at any time he feels the need.
• We expect the school to inform us of anything that might have an impact on his safety or well-being.
• We expect the school to comply with the policies of the District.
• We expect the school to follow all available supplemental screening practices set forth in the Department of Justice Guidelines for the Screening of Persons Working With Children.
• We expect the school to be a weapons-free environment.
• While we authorize you to make decisions on our behalf about educational matters, we do not authorize you to make unilateral decisions on our behalf about life-and-death matters.
• We are relying upon you or your designates to notify us of any threats to commit violent acts at the school. Even if our son is not specifically named, since he could be in the environment of targeted individuals, we want to be informed so we can evaluate the risks. We request that a safety committee of parents be formed, and that the committee be notified of all threats to commit violent acts.

We know that you face bureaucratic, political, and budgetary challenges, but we are relying upon you to take immediate steps toward ensuring a safe environment while our son is at school. Just as we hold you to your duty as principal, so do we ask you to hold us to ours as parents. On this point, please advise us of ways you feel we can help in this matter.

Sincerely yours…’’

Question: I have an 11-year-old daughter who is being very rebellious and doesn’t like to do what she’s told. I know I don’t spend a lot of time with her any more (because of my work). How do I handle this situation?

Answer: First, let’s be sure this is a real problem, because it looks to me more like a mixed blessing. For many parents, the least popular feature of their children is defiance. Yet it is one of the most important for safety. If defiance is always met with discipline and never with discussion, that can handicap a child. Many years ago, the first time your daughter asserted her will may have been cause for celebration, not castigation, for she was building the courage to resist. If as a teenager, she never tests her defiance on you, she may well be unable to use it on a predator. So, she has something right now that many young women and adult women never acquire — and it needs to be protected. This is not to say you shouldn’t address her behavior, but just that it includes some good as well as some bad. Also, as is often the case, part of your answer was embedded in your question: You acknowledged that you don’t spend as much time with your daughter as you’d like.

Question: My ten-year-old grandson brags about violent things he says he has done. I don’t believe he has really hurt or beaten up all the boys he says he has, but I am worried about his boastful attitude. Should I be concerned?

Answer: You ask if you should be concerned, but the fact that you ask at all means you are concerned, so let’s start there. Next, why don’t you believe that your grandson has done some of the things he has boasted about? The possibility that he may have, and the fact that his ideation seems focused on violence, seems like a matter for some attention. Boasting about having committed violence is not a boasting problem; it’s of more interest to me if he is focusing a great deal on violence. Questions that come to mind: Is he angry about something? Is he being mistreated at school? Or elsewhere?

Question: My son is eight. He came home from school today and told me that his good friend is getting picked on by other kids who call him a wimp and a geek because he is quiet and non-confrontational. I know the boy’s Mom. Do I tell her?

Answer: Would you want to be told if your son was being harassed or abused? Since I know the answer is ‘‘yes,’’ you have your answer. There’s little reason to allow kids to be harassed or abused. If something similar was done to an employee in the workplace, there would be intervention. School should be no different. With kids, being protected is doubly important because they can otherwise develop coping methods that are counterproductive. A wisdom from nature applies: When the dominant do not protect the vulnerable, then the vulnerable seek to become dominant. Little wonder that so many of the boys who have acted violently at school had been picked on by other kids.

Question: I liked the idea of actually having my seven-year-old daughter learn to speak to strangers. How do I go about something like this when she is too shy to ask for things and sometimes can’t even order her own food in a restaurant?

Answer: You start by starting. Your daughter will be more willing to choose and then talk to strangers when there is a benefit to her. She wants frozen yogurt? No problem, but she’ll need to choose someone and ask where the nearest place is (while you stand close by). She wants to look at puppies? OK, but she’ll first have to choose a stranger and ask where the nearest pet shop is. After she has these discussions, you and she can discuss how the person reacted, why she chose that particular person, was she comfortable with the person she asked, etc.

Question: Our oldest child is 15 and likes to go online, which she does at the local library because the children cannot log in by themselves in our home (our PC is password-protected). It seems she started chatting with a man who is 28. About a month later, she received a phone call from this same man. Our daughter has refused to give us the information about this man. How do I protect my child?

Answer: Step one is succeeding at some form of authentic communication with your daughter. If she is withholding information from you about the man on the Internet, she could just as easily withhold information about a face-to-face encounter with someone, or about any of a hundred things. Your challenge here is not the bogeyman on the Internet; it’s the failed communication with your daughter. That’s where I’d focus my attention, maybe even seeking help outside the family (family counselor, etc.). I also propose to you that by this age, there is no information about men and the world that your daughter need be protected from. Information is now her armor. I’d suggest you and your daughter might benefit from reading my book Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children & Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane).

Question: I was adopted as a child. I recently found my birth mother and found out my father was a violent rapist. I have two teenage sons. Is there a hereditary predisposition gene that is passed on? I have heard that criminals pass on their violent genes. Is this true?

Answer: “Nature versus nurture” describes the ongoing debate about whether genetics or environment most influence future behavior. Unless you see behavior signals in your sons that concern you, I’d suggest forgetting about the issue. There isn’t likely a “rapist” gene, and if your boys have grown up in a non-violent environment, that’s likely what will guide their lives.

Question: My son gets beat up a lot on his way home from school and once he got his bike taken away from him. What can I do to stop that since I am never home when he gets home? What can I do?

Answer: As is often the case, your answer is embedded in your question, for if you are never home, and you are never able to be present, there may be nothing you can do. It sounds like some prioritization is in order. If you can’t be there, can you ask someone else to be around? I know there is someone in your community who would be glad to help with this.

Question: My seven-year-old son gets angry very easily, talks back, refuses to do what he’s told, and hurts my four-year-old daughter when he’s angry. He has also said a couple of times that he is going to kill himself. I am worried about how he is acting now. Will he be even worse as a teenager? Should I be worried?

Answer: As is often the case, your answer is in your question: You ask if you should be worried, yet you already are worried, so the real question is: Should you do something about it? I think (and imagine you also think) the answer is Yes. Your family will likely benefit from professional advice, and your seeking it will be an act of love to your boy, your four-year-old daughter, and yourself.

Question:

I am school principal who recently had to manage a bomb threat situation. What’s the best way to evaluate these threats?

Answer:

First, it isn’t the threat that’s evaluated at all: It’s the situation. The words a caller chooses are not the issue. For example, imagine one student threatens to kill a friend, and a second student threatens to blow up an auditorium when it’s full of people. Is one threat worse than the other? NO. One OUTCOME is worse than the other, but the relevance of the threats as a symptom is the same.

Death threats and bomb threats may trigger more anxiety than any other words ever spoken. But why?

Perhaps because we believe only a dangerous person would even think of saying such things, but that just isn’t so. Still, the expression of violent thoughts causes us anxiety, and most of the time that’s the whole idea.

Threatening words are dispatched like soldiers under strict orders: Cause anxiety that cannot be ignored. It’s bad, of course, that someone threatens violence, but the threat means that at least for now, he has considered violence and decided against doing it. The threat means that at least for now (and usually forever), he favors words that alarm over actions that harm.

For an instrument of communication used so frequently, the threat is little understood, until you think about it. Our social world relies on our investing some threats with credibility while discounting others. Our belief that they really will tow the car if we leave it here encourages us to look for a parking space unencumbered by that particular threat. The disbelief that our joking spouse will really kill us if we are late to dinner allows us to stay in the marriage. Threats, you see, are not the issue — context is the issue.

Imagine a man arriving for work one morning. He does not go in the unlocked front door where most people enter the building but instead goes around to a back entrance. When he sees someone ahead of him use a key to get in, he runs up and catches the door before it re-locks. Once he is inside the building, he barely responds as a co-worker calls out, “The boss wants to see you.” “Yeah, he’ll wish he hadn’t seen me,” the man says quietly. He is carrying a gym bag, but it appears too heavy to contain just clothes. Before going to his boss’s office, he stops in the locker room, reaches into the bag, and pulls out a pistol. He takes a second handgun from the bag and conceals both of them beneath his coat. Now he looks for his boss.

If we stopped right here, and you had to evaluate this situation on the basis of what you know, context would tell the tale, because to know just one thing changes every other thing: This man is a police detective. If he were a postal worker, your evaluation would be different.

A threat is to a bombing what a cough is to pneumonia. A threat is a symptom that might be linked to violence, just as a cough is a symptom that might be linked to disease. But you’d never base a whole diagnosis on just one symptom.

Usually, threats betray the speaker by proving that he has failed to influence events in any other way. Most often they represent desperation, not intention. Indeed, whatever one’s intent, attention to threats is always appropriate; fear is rarely appropriate.

Now, since I don’t know anything about your situation (beyond that you got a threat), there’s little I can say on the topic beyond this: The link between bomb threats and bombs rarely exists. But the threat is a symptom of something. I’d suggest you get a copy of my book, The Gift of Fear and you’ll find a lot of information about threats and bomb threats that you can apply to your particular situation.

Question: I’m a grade four teacher in a major metropolitan city. I have a male in my class who draws pictures in which he is killing other students and teachers. These drawings show students and teachers being hanged and shot, etc. He constantly talks about guns and also says he dreams about killing people he knows (students and teachers). Neither the social worker nor the student’s mother have shown concern when I raised the matter with them. The student in question has admitted to having delusions as well. In all the years I have been teaching, I have never had such an aggressive, disruptive student in my class. His teacher last year concurs, and even feels the boy is getting worse.

Answer: Indeed, it is a serious matter, and your personal challenge appears to be that people are not listening. Whenever that’s the case, I propose changing the medium: Switch to writing your concerns in a letter to your principal and/or superintendent. You might include text along these lines: “Chronically angry children need intervention beyond what I can offer in the classroom if I am to meet my obligation to the other students. I am concerned about this boy’s welfare, and the safety and well-being of students around him for the following reasons: [your list].”

Question: A girl in my son’s fifth grade class brought a knife to school because someone had been making fun of her. The principal made a recommendation for expulsion. However, there was an appeal made by the family and now the girl is back at school. Our superintendent and school board can give me no reason why a child is ever excused from expulsion. They will only say there were extenuating circumstances. No one was hurt BUT I wonder about the safety of all children in our township which until this time I believed to have zero tolerance. Should I keep pursuing this?

Answer: Though I am not alarmed by the school’s decision, it’s clear you are not satisfied with the response you’ve gotten. Accordingly, I’d suggest a letter to the school. Hopefully, their reply will lessen your concern. Here’s a draft I put together that you can use or amend as you see fit.

Dear Superintendent:

Our son is attending your school this year. We recognize that schools face special challenges these days and we want to be certain our expectations are reasonable. If we’re off base on any of these items, please let us know.

• We expect the safety of students to be a priority;
• We expect our son to be allowed to contact us at any time he feels the need;
• We expect the school to inform us of anything that might have an impact on his safety or well-being;
• We expect the school to comply with the policies of the School District;
• We expect the school to follow all available ‘‘supplemental screening practices’’ set forth in the DOJ Guidelines for the Screening of Persons Working With Children;
• We expect the school to be a weapons-free environment;
• While we authorize you to make decisions on our behalf about educational matters, we do not authorize you to make decisions on our behalf about life-and-death matters;
• We are relying upon you or your designates to notify us of any threats to commit violent acts at the school. Even if our son is not specifically named, since he could be in the environment of targeted individuals, we want to be informed so we can evaluate the risks.

Please revisit for us the recent incident in which a student brought a weapon to school and was not suspended. We don’t expect to disagree with your decision, but we do feel a duty to understand it.

Just as we hold you to your duty as principal, so do we ask you to hold us to ours as parents. On this point, please advise us of ways you feel we can help you develop a safer school. Knowing that you face bureaucratic, political, and budgetary challenges, there is surely something we can do to help.

We’re confident that if your office and our family work together, our son will have the best possible school experience. At the same time, we want to assist you in furthering the well-being of all the students.

Sincerely, (your names)

Question: What do you do about a bully? My son is on a sports team and one child seems to have it out for him even though my son doesn’t even know the child. I’ve already discussed this with the coach and he says he’ll watch out for it but it has not been resolved. My son comes home very upset after the practices but he doesn’t want to quit because of this one person. My son is ten-years-old. How can I handle this?

Answer: How would you handle this if it was happening to you at work? You’d insist that the employer provide a work environment that is free from bullying and harassment. I suggest no less for your ten-year-old. Insist that it be stopped – and don’t tolerate behavior that wouldn’t be tolerated in any other aspect of our lives.

Question: Are there any signs to look for if a student is going to kill someone or act out in violence?

Answer: Yes, indeed, there are. Though no pre-incident indicator on its own is persuasive, if a student displays many of the indicators below, it is call for concern. At a minimum, the student may need some intervention that will be helpful to him, as well as to the safety of others.

• Alcohol and drug use;
• Addiction to media products;
• Aimlessness;
• Fascination with weapons and violence;
• Experience with guns;
• Access to guns;
• Sullen, Angry, Depressed (SAD);
• Seeking status and worth through violence;
• Threats (of violence or suicide);
• Chronic anger;
• Rejection/humiliation;
• Media provocation.

A couple of brief elaborations: Note that alcohol and drug abuse are at the top of the list. One recent study shows that an astonishing 75 percent of homicides by young people occur when they are high or drunk. Next, the term SAD is used by my firm’s behavioral scientists for easy identification of Sullenness, Anger, and Depression, which include changes in weight, irritability, suicidal references, hopelessness, and loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities.

The PIN called Media Provocation evolved because widely publicized major acts of violence often stimulate people who identify with the perpetrators and the attention they received. Because these cases tend to cluster, violence is more likely during the period following a widely reported incident. (Two weeks after a boy named Michael Carneal shot classmates at his school, another named Joseph ‘‘Colt’’ Todd did the same thing at his. Four weeks after Drew Golden and Mitch Johnson shot students at their school, a boy named Andrew Wurst did so at his, and four weeks later, Kip Kinkel did so at his.) Proximity to major acts of violence understandably increases media coverage (i.e., the incidents become local news stories as well as national). It is remarkable that seven of twelve cases in one study occurred within a 350-mile radius of each other.

Daniel Goleman’s book ‘‘Emotional Intelligence’’ adds further insight. He describes seven key abilities human beings need to effectively manage life: the ability to motivate ourselves, to persist against frustration, to delay gratification, to regulate moods, to hope, to empathize, and to control impulse. Many of those who commit extreme acts of violence never learned these skills, and if you know a young person who lacks them all, it’s an important pre-incident indicator, and he needs help.

Question: Is there any information available about the do’s and don’ts of placing information on a website such as pictures, hobby info, personal info, and more? We are aware of chat room danger but this is different. We have found nothing that is specific to website information placement. Can you tell us anything more or guide us to a site that addresses this information particularly?

Answer: Personal websites can indeed provide a method whereby child sexual predators gain access to kids, not literal physical access, of course, but access to communicate with a child and work on persuading a child to meet, talk on the phone, etc. Some websites also have photos that may appear innocent to kids, but might be the type of photo of interest to a predator.

Some websites that contain personal information make kids easy to locate. If you allow your kids to have a website, apply this rule: Don’t post anything on a website that you would not be willing to post on the bulletin board of every supermarket in every city in America.

Another great option that addresses all of what your kids might encounter on the Internet: Place a remote monitor (computer screen) in the kitchen or living room so that whatever your child is seeing and doing on the Internet could be seen by others in another part of the house. The cost for a monitor and cable is small. Is this like Big Brother? I think it is no different than influencing what books, television shows, or movies your child has access to.

Question: My 13-year-old son bought the PC game Call of Duty. It is beginning to cause problems in our home, due to his wanting to play it all the time and, frankly, because I’m not comfortable with the level of violence on the game. Trying to negotiate limits on the amount of time has not resulted in satisfaction for either one of us, and now I would like to take the game away altogether. How should we handle this problem?

Answer: You write that you are uncomfortable with the level of violence and that you don’t want him to play the game at all. So that’s your starting point. When you have made that decision, there will be nothing to negotiate. The word decision, like the word incision, means to cut off from all other options. But you haven’t made that decision yet. When you have, the video game problem will be over. That’s not to say it will be easy, but I am certain it will be better than being immersed in simulated killing.

Question: The camp I chose for my four-year-old son had a great reputation. However, last summer a counselor was accused of sexual misconduct with a first-grader. The matter is pending in court now. The camp has not changed any policies and they stand by their reputation. Should I be concerned? Is one bad apple a good enough reason not to send my son to this camp?

Answer: It depends upon the situation. Did they conduct an internal investigation? Did they tell parents about the incident? Have they fully disclosed what their own internal investigation concluded? Did they learn anything from the incident? Had they conducted a pre-employment background investigation on the counselor? Had they ignored signals that they should have reacted to? Forget about the camp’s “reputation.”

The camp’s “reputation” with me is not at all good, given just what you’ve told me, but reputation is an ever-changing concept that cannot help inform your decision. It is time to get to the real issues. If at the end of your extensive inquiry you believe that they put child safety first, that they take effective steps to employ decent, capable, honorable people, that they do all they can to provide a safe environment, then you’ll feel comfortable sending your son there. If you feel otherwise, you won’t feel comfortable sending your son there.

Question:

Question: How old should a child be when she starts walking to school alone? My daughter is eight.

Answer: A child doesn’t magically at some predetermined age become confident, assertive, capable, and powerful. Ideally, this development is a gradual process of ever-greater challenges during which a child gains experience and autonomy.

Only you know what and when your child is ready to learn and how to best inform her. I can offer a test of what children would ideally know before they are ever alone in public. (I am noting just those points relevant to violence and sexual predation, and I am leaving out obvious requirements such as knowing one’s home address, important phone numbers, and other basics.)

Take The Test of Twelve to determine if your daughter is ready to walk to school alone.

Plenty of adults couldn’t themselves pass the Test of Twelve. For example, many have never even considered that if a predator says ‘‘Don’t yell,’’ he is actually saying that yelling would serve you and silence would serve him. Too many people feel compelled to cooperate in their own victimization, in part because they assume they’ll be hurt if they don’t. When a predator says, ‘‘Don’t yell,’’ he is telling you what cards you hold, literally informing you of the way to mess up his plans. ‘‘Don’t yell’’ should be heard by a child as ‘‘YELL.’’ (A role-playing game to teach this skill will obviously be pretty fun.)

The corollary guideline is if someone says, ‘Don’t tell,’ your child should hear ‘‘TELL.’’

Question: What are your thoughts on spanking children as a form of discipline? I am currently doing a paper about this issue and would appreciate your input.

Answer: I oppose hitting children as a form of discipline. I also oppose hitting as an expression of anger, as a method of domination, or for any other purpose. Imagine a child hitting his younger sister, and then being hit as a punishment. Either it is alright for larger, stronger people to hit smaller ones — or it is not alright. We seem to want it both ways. Parents can hit children, but children cannot hit children, and of course, kids are not allowed to hit parents.

We are beings with astounding intellectual ability, and there are so many other methods for communication. Striking a child is a communication, to be sure, but it ultimately teaches that more powerful beings can do what they want, and less powerful beings cannot resist. These are precisely the lessons we’d then want to un-teach as children grow up and enter a free society. I would ask advocates, ‘‘If hitting is an effective and harmless teaching method, why does this society stop using it when citizens become adults and break the rules?’’ Because it is oppressive and breeds resentment, anger, and ultimately more problems in the long run.

Question: I am the mother of a three-and-a-half-year-old boy. Many of his playmates have toy guns and other ‘‘violent’’ toys. We do not have any and I try to discourage him from playing with them at a friend’s house. However, lately, he has been constructing ‘‘guns’’ out of LEGOs and playing ‘‘shooting game,’’ explaining that he is only shooting monsters. My question is: Do I still try to discourage him or do I go out and buy a gun and try to teach him about gun safety? My husband believes he should have one and we should teach him the pros and cons. My husband is not a gun owner but did have a BB gun when he was a kid and ‘‘nothing ever happened to him.’’ I’m really torn on this issue.

Answer: Your husband grew up in a much different world, but I respect his opinion, and suggest that if teaching gun safety is his concern, that can be done at a firing range using guns provided by the range. In other words, having a gun in the home is not a requirement of teaching gun safety.

Here are the tough questions you are facing:

• Do we want to have a gun in the house?
• If so, where do we want to keep it?
• How do we want to store it?
• How do we want to secure it?
• Do we want it to be a secret from the kids?
• Do we want to teach our kids how to use a gun?
• Do we want to give our son a gun of his own?

The question of whether to keep the location of a gun secret from a child is easy: You may elect to treat it as a secret, but never, ever rely upon the belief that a child cannot find a gun in the house. Even a denier will have trouble finding some meaning hidden between the words never and ever.

The toughest issue is whether or not to have a gun in the house at all. Since my perspective is solely the safety of your children, it’s easy to conclude that for most families, having a gun in the house increases risk. That isn’t just the conclusion of this one expert, but also of the National Center for Victims of Crime, the National Crime Prevention Council, the American Medical Association, the U.S. Department of Justice, the Department of Health and Human Services, the National Center for Health Statistics, and most relevant to our topic, the American Academy of Pediatrics.

No exploration of your child’s safety can be complete without taking a clear-eyed look down the barrel of these statistics:

• Every day, about seventy-five American children are shot. Most recover; fifteen do not.
• The majority of fatal accidents involving a firearm occur in the home.
• Gunshot wounds are the single most common cause of death for women in the home, accounting for nearly half of all homicides and 42 percent of suicides.
• An adolescent is twice as likely to commit suicide if a gun is kept in the home.
• A gun is not likely to be a key element in protection from an intruder, and is far more likely to harm a family member.

I hope this information makes your decision easier.